I Thought Being Low Maintenance Made Me Easy to Love

I thought being low maintenance made me easy to love.

Not speaking up when I knew the answer in class. Not even speaking up when I knew the answer given was wrong.

Not correcting my friend who called me “Natalie” instead of Naomi. Every time.

Not asking for the salary I deserved. Not asking for the raise I’d earned.

I didn’t want to cause problems. I didn’t want to be “difficult.” I thought staying quiet and not making a fuss would make me more likeable.

Instead, it made me invisible.

The Belief

I held this mentality unconsciously for most of my life. I thought this was how I was supposed to be. Being anything else felt disobedient to what I’d been taught as a child.

I didn’t realize how deep this went until summer 2020, during the racial awakening. As more people of color spoke out, I recognized my own experience in theirs. I’d been making myself small to fit in without even knowing it.

Every time I walked into a room - work event, social gathering - I’d scan for other Asians and non-whites. So I wouldn’t feel so alone. A way of feeling safe, I guess.

The Personal Cost

But it was exhausting. I was constantly adapting to fit the situation, the environment, other people. My actual needs weren’t being met. They became invisible, even to me.

This hit home when I heard a podcast episode in 2021 - “Voices in Union” on No Crumbs Left. Three Asian women talking about their experiences as Asian Americans during the height of Asian hate. Michelle Tam from Nom Nom Paleo, Alice Choi from Hip Foodie Mom, ChihYu Chiang from I Heart Umami.

I’d never heard anyone speak about Asian experiences in this context. I felt seen in a way I couldn’t remember feeling before. Five years later, that conversation still stays with me.

They gave voice to things I’d always felt but never understood were connected to being Asian American. Like making myself small to be more likeable.

They pointed out that Asians get discriminated against through invisibility. We’re not noticed. Often left out of conversations entirely.

I was driving down the Embarcadero when Michelle Tam said, “All your Asian friends feel like this, they just haven’t said it.” I started crying. I knew exactly what she meant because I’d felt it too. I just didn’t have context for it.

But now I had context. And I couldn’t ignore what I was seeing. Including how energetically draining this was - because it went against my actual design.

The Human Design Connection

Around the same time, I discovered Human Design. The timing wasn’t coincidental.

I have a defined Throat Center. My voice carries weight. It’s meant to be shared, not swallowed to keep peace. I thought I’d figured this out when I started my podcast in 2017. But I was still defaulting to silence in many situations.

The Throat Center corresponds to the thyroid gland. I’d battled thyroid issues for years. My body was showing me what I wasn’t willing to see - I still wasn’t using my voice.

Every time I made myself small, I was ignoring my Splenic Authority. Not trusting my instincts. Looking to others to validate choices I already knew the answer to.

This wasn’t a spiritual failing. It was structural misalignment.

But this pattern wasn’t just mine. “Low maintenance” became the feminine ideal for specific reasons - and certain groups get pushed toward invisibility more than others. If you want to understand how systems benefit when people make themselves small, that’s below.