I'm Not Behind Schedule

A Confession

I’m about to do something that feels extremely unsettling and out of my comfort zone.

I only have one channel in my Human Design – the 48-16 channel. This channel is about mastery and having the gift to turn skills into talent. But the shadow expression of this channel is holding back until I feel absolutely ready. And what I’m about to write feels anything but that.

I’m bringing you into my behind-the-scenes into where I’m at right now – where my mind is, what I’m feeling and all the unknowns.

The Situation

I’m at this weird place in life — laid off after 18 years at a corporate job. Not only is this my first summer free of school and work obligations since 1993, it’s also the first time in my 30-year career that I have the time, space and resources to figure out what I actually want to do when I grow up.

This is genuinely a new position to be in. It feels like a clean slate – a blank white board.

The Safe Choice

The default, and let’s be honest, safe question to ask is, do I look for another corporate job?

Truthfully, if I had to decide today, I don’t know if I have it in me to continue in the corporate world. I don’t believe that working in corporate is “bad.” I’ve always found the work itself to be fulfilling.

It’s corporate politics that’s stressful and exhausting. And the thought of having to figure out “the game” at a new place with new people – strangers – well, it makes me tired just thinking about it.

But then again, when you’re surrounded by people who are truthworthy, the work is worthwhile.

The Intriguing Choice

While I’ve always had a corporate job, over the years I’ve also had other gigs.

I moonlighted at Crate and Barrel, working evenings and weekends. I’ve done consulting and project management for other organizations.

And for the past ten years, I’ve had my own side hustle that began as integrative health coaching that expanded into Functional Nutrition and Human Design and evolved to what I now call Human Design-led wellness.

So the other choice is, do I try to make my side hustle my main hustle? It’s a real opportunity that I’ve never had before. What’s possible if it’s the only thing I focus on, if it has all of my time, energy and attention?

The Real Question

But the real question underneath these choices is, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” And honestly, I don’t know. I have no idea.

But thankfully with 18 years of service I’ve earned a healthy severance package, with benefits, so I have the space and resources to figure out what’s next.

So I’m taking the summer off.

1993, the summer after my freshman year of college was the last summer that I had that was free of school and work obligations. I spent that summer watching Bill Bellamy at the MTV Beachhouse. This summer I’ve been watching Roland Garros, the World Cup and Wimbledon.

And while I’m taking my first true break in decades, I’m also using this time to figure out what’s next .

The Deeper Layer

The difference in considering this question at 51 versus 17 is that now I have experience and perspective.

Someone who found themselves in a similar situation recently wrote and said, “Your entire identity tends to be wrapped up in your corporate experience, and it takes some time to figure out who you are outside of that.” This perfectly sums up where I’m at right now.

And what I’m finding is that my conditioning is deep – deeper than I ever realized.

What’s keeping me stuck between the two choices?

The uncertainty of knowing if I have what it takes to work for myself. Can I make my side hustle my main hustle without the stability of a corporate job?

Unfortunately, in the U.S. our healthcare benefits are tied to our employers. As a friend from another country put it, “It’s sad that you guys can’t follow our dreams because of this.” Isn’t it? How many Americans haven’t felt secure enough to follow their dreams because they risk losing their healthcare.? I could go on and on about this, but that’s not the point of this essay - it’s a topic for another day.

In addition to figuring out who I am outside of the corporate world, I’m questioning everything.

“What IS my POV?” I’ve realized that I’ve been (a little) consciously yet massively unconsciously sanitizing my voice so much that I’m not quite sure what my POV is. Actually, I do know what my POV is, but as a trusted friend once told me that it feels like I’m creeping around what I really want to say but staying in a neutral place that feels safe.

But neutral places also keep you invisible so there’s a lot of work I need to do to feel brave enough to share what my POV truly is.

Then there’s the realization that much of all of this is a result of a corporate career that trained me to be a “yes” person – to have all the answers instead of trusting processes. And that deep layer of conditioning ultimately taught me to hold back from what I really think instead of what I really want to say in order to “stay in line.”

In other words, corporate made me polished. In the corporate world, that works because it rewards having all the answers. But it also rewards rushing to answers instead of taking the time to let the process bring the answers and the cost of this is having a sanded down voice which doesn’t work outside of corporate.

And this is where I’m at and it feels very uncomfortable.

The Human Design Factor

Here’s where I turn to my Human Design. Through my 1/3 Profile Lines, I know that things become clear by doing, not by (over)thinking my way to certainty.

So I’m sitting with discomfort and trusting that not having all the answers right now isn’t a red flag. It’s going through the process in real-time. Writing (and sharing) about it is part of the “doing” – it’s proof of going through the process of rebuilding my relationship to my work, professional identity and income while not rushing or forcing it, all while leaving space for lots of rest, reflection and reassessment.

I just have to keep telling myself that I’m not behind schedule.